Our friendships are a unique and personal connection that goes beyond mere acquaintanceship. It is a bond built on trust, mutual respect, and shared experiences. Unlike family, where relationships are given to us by birth, friendship is a conscious choice. This freedom to choose allows us to seek out people who resonate with our values, interests, and personalities. When we think about how we choose our friends, several factors come into play.
Common Interests
Common interests often serve as a foundation for many friendships. Whether it’s a shared hobby, passion, or activity, these commonalities provide a basis for initial connection and ongoing interaction. For example, two people who love playing soccer might become friends because they spend time together on the field and share a love for the game.
Backgrounds and life experiences also play a significant role. People who have gone through similar life events, such as attending the same school, working in the same industry, or experiencing similar challenges, often find comfort and understanding in each other’s company. This shared background can create a sense of belonging and mutual support. Similarly, ethnicity, language, and nationality can further influence our friendships.
A Sense of Belongingness
Cultural similarities often lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds. For instance, immigrants from the same country might form friendships in a foreign land, finding solace in their shared heritage and language. This is especially evident during international events like the Olympics or the World Cup, where people unite in support of their country, forming temporary yet powerful bonds of friendship based on national pride.
Nationalism takes over as people unite, setting aside their differences in language, culture, and religion. However, as the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37) illustrates, we cannot always rely on our compatriots. The traveller who was left for dead by bandits could not depend on his fellow countrymen for help in his time of need. Similarly, we cannot always depend on our countrymen during our moments of trouble.
A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. – Luke 10:30-32 (NIV)
Work Friends
Some people place great importance on their friendships with coworkers or college mates, as they spend a significant portion of their day together, naturally becoming close friends. They cover for each other to their managers or professors and support each other through thick and thin. These friendships can be strong and valuable, built on shared experiences and mutual understanding. However, as demonstrated in the parable of the Shrewd Manager, even close friendships can have underlying motives.
“The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg— I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’ – Luke 16:3-4 (NIV)
The Shrewd Manager planned to exploit his work friends’ generosity to secure his future, showing that such relationships can sometimes be based on self-interest rather than genuine care. Similarly, there are times when we may feel that our friends from the office or college are taking advantage of us, using our friendship for their own benefit rather than offering true support. This realization can lead to a sense of betrayal and disappointment, reminding us that not all friendships are as steadfast and selfless as they may initially seem.
Friends for Life
We would then turn to our childhood friends—the ones from our neighbourhood, those we grew up with, or our college hostel mates with whom we shared not only our dorms but every minutia of our lives. These friends seem to know us best. We did everything together and felt most comfortable with them. However, as time passes, we connect with them less often and go our separate ways. When we do meet, we spend time reminiscing about the good old days but ultimately realize we no longer have a deep connection.
Joseph thought he had made lifelong friends with his cellmates, the people he lived with during his sentencing. He helped interpret their dreams and trusted they would help him in return. However, as soon as the cupbearer was released from prison, he forgot all about Joseph.
…when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison… The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him. – Genesis 40:14&23 (NIV)
Fellowship Freinds
Friends from our fellowship, those we’ve made in our church and with whom we participate in faith-building activities, seem like friends who will never fail us. Yet, as the story of Job shows, this group can harbour the deepest betrayals. Job’s friends, despite knowing the works of God themselves, blamed Job for his misery. Rather than supporting him, they blamed him for his sorrows.
Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless? – Job 22:5 (NIV)
This happens because we often share only a superficial relationship with our church friends. We present our Sunday selves rather than our true selves, putting on a facade of righteousness and hoping no one sees through it to discover our broken relationship with God. When things go wrong in our lives, instead of helping us, our fellowship friends may bring us down by quoting scriptures and labelling us as sinners, much like Job’s friends did to him.
Even Jesus’ friends who travelled with Him were not always reliable companions. Judas, who broke bread with Him, betrayed Him without hesitation. Peter, who boldly proclaimed he would never abandon Jesus, denied even knowing Him when questioned by a mere servant girl. The two disciples travelling to Emmaus refused to believe that Jesus had risen even after hearing the testimony of the women who had seen the empty tomb. In the end, Jesus was abandoned by all His friends on the road to Calvary.
A True Friendship
However, there is one example in the Bible that stands out – the friendship between David and Jonathan. They were friends through thick and thin. Jonathan loved David like his own, even though David was the one who would take Jonathan’s rightful place as king of Israel. He protected David from his father’s schemes to kill him. Even Jonathan’s father, Saul, could not understand why his son loved David and that he would be ready to let go of his royal status for the sake of their friendship.
So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the LORD call David’s enemies to account. ” And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself. – 1 Samuel 20:16-17 (NIV)
The basis of their friendship was Jonathan’s discernment of God’s will and his understanding of God’s plans for David. Jonathan was one in spirit with David. Their bond was rooted in the Spirit rather than worldly matters. They had no ulterior motives for their friendship, nor did they grow up together or share common interests. Most of their years were spent apart, with David on the run from Saul. Yet, they were the best of friends, willing to die for each other. Even years later, David remembered Jonathan and honoured his crippled son in memory of his best friend.
Do we have a friend like that? Whether we recognise it or not, we all have a friendship greater than Jonathan and David’s. Jesus is our ultimate friend, and to become more like Him, we must understand how Jesus chooses His friends and reflect on where we might be mistaken in our own processes of selecting our friends.
While we seek to befriend influential people, Jesus chooses the outcasts. Illiterate fishermen formed the core group of His disciples, whom He trusted to carry His message to the ends of the earth. Unlike us, who seek out those with high moral standing in society, Jesus befriended tax collectors labelled as unredeemable. He graced the homes of Levi and Zacchaeus with His presence, much to the astonishment of onlookers who could not understand His motives. Prostitutes, rejected by their own families, were gladly welcomed by Jesus into His family as His sisters and became witnesses of His resurrection. While we tend to be tribal in choosing our friends, Jesus extends His love to every nation. The Roman centurion and the Canaanite woman were lauded for their faith, which was greater than anyone in Israel.
I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. – Matthew 8:10 (NIV)
Jesus is our true friend. He gave up His throne for us, came to die for our salvation, unites us with God by making us His siblings, loves us even when we reject Him, and is always available whenever we call on Him. Let us root all our friendships in Jesus and engage with the world centred on Him. We must learn to rely on Jesus more than anyone else, knowing that He is the only one who never lets us down. Lastly, we must not chase after friends for worldly reasons but, like Jesus, seek God’s leading in our friendships.
The Jordan Valley 
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